Friday, May 20, 2011

weddings and why I hate them.

You know what I hate about weddings?

Um, let me rephrase that. You know what I don't hate about weddings?

Well, probably just the fact that it's a happy occasion and everyone gets free food. Which isn't free, not really. Ask your mum how much money she has given to brides as salaamiyan over the years.

The thing is, weddings are so damn pointless. What's the point? I mean, if you have to get married, absolutely have to have to get married, then why make such a big deal out of it? YAY you're getting married. More than half the people there don't even give a shit, they're just there for the food! That's why I go anyway.

In  fact, I'm so pissed at weddings right now, I'm gonna make a list. Because lists are awesome.

This one's going to be called:

'Why I Hate Weddings In Pakistan, Well Not Hate Really But Why Weddings Here Piss Me Off'.

Wow. I really need to work on naming these lists.


Yeah, so:

1. The unnecessary displays of opulence. 
So who cares if HSY designed your wedding ka jora? Who cares? Fine, Shweety Aunty will tell a few friends of hers at one of her kitty parties, and then what'll happen to your too-expensive dress is, it'll find it's way into the back of your closet and never be heard of again, except maybe on your husband's little brother's wedding (and that too if you're still a nayee dulhan. Read: You're not more than a year into your marriage and have not gone weird and fat. Yet.)

Also, the venue is of immense importance. People are willing to pay a shitload of money just so they can acquire the most expensive hotel's most expensive hall for a few hours. Just so they can tell (and show) 'people' where they got married.

PLUS. The food. Now I don't have many issues with this particular aspect of the unnecessary displays of opulence, but you'll call me a hypocrite if I say I don't, so yeah. WTF wedding people. Give all that food to poor little starving children like me instead of feeding it to rich people who couldn't care less.

2. The various aunties.
Yeah, aunties. I no like.
First there's the sort who're there looking for a rishta for their son. These are possibly the worst kind of aunties you can hope to meet at a wedding. They'll look you up and down and up again until you begin to feel extremely uncomfortable. Then they'll give you a soppy smile and pat you lovingly on the cheek and give you one last good stare before they let you go. Matlab, WTF aunty? Go contact a matrimonial service or something.

THEN there's the aunty (well they can be younger females too but whut.) who's attending the wedding only to show off her expensive jora. Her face is so caked up with make up (Lulz :O) that she can't even smile or talk, all she does is stare at you with her over-kohled eyes and sniff arrogantly at you when you come sit next to her with a plate with an inappropriate amount of gulab jamuns in it. She spends most of the function taking pictures of herself so she can later put them up on Facebook and get frandship requests.

3. There's nothing to do.
Another thing about weddings is that there's nothing to do. Poondi won't last you through the whole thing. And teaching random kids swear words gets boring after a while. And you can only laugh uproariously at the people who're dancing for so long
All I end up doing is waiting for the food. And then eating it. Foooood.

4. The inconvenience.
Seriously, why must you have your wedding in the middle of May when you know that it's exam season? And then they expect you to  lug your ass all the way to Lahore, hmph.
That wasn't really relevant. But what the hell.

Yeah, so, weddings? Not my piece of cake.

Or maybe I'm just in an anti-wedding mood right now.

Bah, humbug.


  1. ha ha ha....
    I have been able to skip all weddings this year,thankfully due to exams,illness,and exams.:D

    Talking of aunties,there are a plethora of those who love to say,
    'Araye itnye baraeye hogaye,hainain ???'

    WTF,matlab kia hum koi dwarf ya pixi hain jo bare nhe hungaye?

  2. Last sentence of Hamza's comment - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I never go to any weddings. No matter what my mum threatens me with. I am so cool.
    And OMG, I teach swear words to every single bacha who comes my way as well. o_o Once posted a similar sound clip on facebook where I was perv talking with a kid, my cousin saw it and showed it to her entire family. Baree beisti hui thi.

    - all his 'celebrity' friends in attendance. (minor TV personalities) he invited all of them just to show off his connections.
    - Nomi Ansari jora for the dulhan.
    - totally massive and super expensive venues for all the major functions (mehndi, rukhsati, valima)
    - fat, lathered-in-makeup aunties asking if i know of their 'handsome, intelligent, decent' sons.
    - nobody else to talk to
    - weird people staring like they've never seen a human girl before
    - food from an expensive caterer. AND IT TASTED HORRIBLE. hawwwrriiibbaalll.

    i feel your pain. (your post was funny)

  4. @Hamza: Hahahah yess I know I hate that too!
    Aunty: Haye, itni barri ho gayi ho!
    Me: -____________________-

    @AcetylCholine: Like, yaah. Oh so totally cool :D
    And teaching swear words to kids? BEST.

    @Furree: SEE WHAT I MEAN? :O
    And thank you :D

  5. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I love this post man!
    Hamza's last line, LMAO.
    I, kind of, sorta, actually, totally, agree with you.