Feet.

I have a confession to make. I hope all four of you are listening closely, because I've been mustering up the courage to say this for a long time.

So. Here it is.

I have big feet.

What, you didn't hear me? Okay then >:|

I HAVE BIG FEET! 

I HAVE HUGE FEET! 

I HAVE GINORMOUS FEET! 

Yeah, I said it! I am, ladies and gentlemen, a girl with big feet. Sadface.

Hahahahahahhaha. That is the Bigfoot from A Goofy Movie, which is possibly my favorite movie of all time.

Anyhow, back to the tragic tale of my titanic toes (okay, feet, but... the alliteration!)

I've always had big feet. Well obviously, I didn't inject growth hormones into them when I turned fourteen 

Buying shoes for school used to be a huge problem. By the time I was eight, my shoe size had climbed it's way into the women's sizes, and was on it's way out. By age thirteen, most of the shoes they had in shoe stores didn't fit me. 

I started hating shoe manufacturers in Pakistan. Why the HUCK did they make shoes this small? Did they think the population comprised of Lilliputians? Did they think we were bloody ancient Japanese? Did they not understand my plight? Were people with slightly larger feet than usual supposed to go bury themselves in dirty diapers?

'Twas a sad, sad time indeed.

A typical conversation at a back-to-school shopping trip would go like this:

Mother: Give us the BIGGEST pair of socks you can find.

Me: *incoherent grumble*

Perplexed Shopkeeper: Who do you want it for?

Mother: For my daughter here..

Me: OH crap >:(

...

Everyone in the shop, including shopkeepers and customers, start staring like morons at my feet. I stare defiantly back, and I feel like shoving my awesome big feet up their asses.

Again. How very, very sad.

Sadface.

I was so sick of being shoeless in Seattle that I used to think up evil schemes which involved me being filthy rich some day and owning a shoe company bigger than Jimmy Choo. My shoes'd be awesome okay. So awesome, in fact, that women would totally be ready to murder each other for a pair.

BUT WAIT! ZERE IZ A TWIST IN THE STOREH!

THE SIZES. THEY'D ALL BE OVER TEN! MY SIZE! AND ABOVE! I'D MAKE B IG FOOTED WOMEN ALL OVER THE WORLD HAPPY! AND THEN METRO AND STYLO COULD SUCK IT.

I had a dream, too.

Yeah. I may still do something about it, but probably not. My relatives abroad are nice enough to help their third-world cousin in distress, so I receive a bunch of shoes every year. And I wear them, cus I really have no other choice. Well I do, but I don't really want to spend the rest of my life wearing ugly mardana slippers, not me.

OKAY I JUST HAD A SUDDEN MENTAL IMAGE OF ME WEARING THESE ON MY WEDDING

AAAAH! WHAT FUGLINESS! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!