standstill

Sometimes you feel like pouring the contents of your heart out in their entirety; 

tendinous cords and all

just letting it all out and not care, for once, about the many many walls you have carefully constructed, not care about the spikes running along their tops or the deep trenches at the bottom, not care at all and 

just get past it all in one giant brave leap of faith.

There are some people you want to make the jump for. Some people your heart tells you you can trust fully wholeheartedly completely 

without any doubts 

at all.

But still the tiny voice at the back of your head bugs you, still it tells you to be wary. 

surely this cannot end well. It's just not possible. 

So you retreat into your shell.

And then

at the end of it all, it’s you again. 

you with your thoughts and your crippling self-doubts and fears and insecurities

you with your meticulously erected barriers

you with the invisible hand crushing around your heart, squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until it goes squidge between the fingers and turns into a mess.

just you 

alone.